Counterpoint: The Earth Can Save Itself

Dateline: student newspaper

By: Zachary McCoy

File Under: environment, green, sustainable

Editor’s note: please read this article in its entirety, and know that it is a tongue-in-cheek counter-point to Sarah Kaehler’s article, Going Green. 

It’s hard to argue against environmentalism. There is a conceived notion that everything to do with trying to “save the planet” is a good thing. I am here to try and tell you that is not so. From electric cars to converting to a vegetarian, “eco-friendly” lifestyle, this can often be dangerous and ultimately not worth it, especially in regards to trying to save planet Earth.

First off, I don’t trust electric cars. They are too quiet. I want to be able to hear a car before it runs me over as I try to cross the street. Besides that, they are ugly and weak. I just don’t trust electric cars. Too damn quiet. It’s like they are trying to sneak up on me, waiting to attack. I think cars are meant to be more than just a mode of transportation but also a symbol of the human race’s power. They should be loud and strong and fueled by dinosaur bones.

Speaking of which, how is electricity anywhere near as cool as fossil fuels? Sure, electricity is in lightening but fossil fuels are made up of freaking fossils. My car literally runs with the bones of a raptor or tyrannosaurus-rex. It does not get more bad-ass than that. Also, at least my car is loud. It’s not trying to sneak up on unsuspecting passersby waiting to lunge as soon as they are not ready.

Going vegetarian is also cited as good for the environment. Well here’s a news flash: cows are awful for the environment. Their farts are literally destroying the ozone layer. Why shouldn’t we be trying to kill off as many of those Earth killers as possible? In fact, we should kill them all, eat them and make sure they can never come back. Same with sheep. Creepy, quiet sheep. Forget shearing them and trying to keep them alive I demand retribution for my planet, kill ‘em all.

Most importantly is this: we aren’t trying to save the planet. We are trying to save ourselves. The planet will be fine if we muck up the environment. It will simply repair itself; it’s our own necks we’re worried about. If the ozone layer fails the planet does not die, simply humans. How presumptuous of ourselves to be fighting for a planet that can clearly defend itself. After all it got hit with a meteorite and it was fine. Granted the dinosaurs all died, but the planet lived on. 

So, I am tired of people fighting for the Earth. The Earth can take care of itself. I want to know why no one is fighting to save the human race. I mean we can’t exactly keep breathing cow farts and expect to live forever. We can’t keep poisoning our own environment and not expect the Earth to try and kill us off. But then again would that be so bad? I mean if we are trying to save the planet shouldn’t we continue to live our extravagant lifestyles? We are only killing ourselves, and we are the biggest threat to our own planet. So in order to save the Earth I think we need the gas guzzlers and the flatulence of farm animals so we can get rid of the real problem: us.